Vanity Fear

A Pretentious A**hole's Guide to B-Movie Bullsh*t

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The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Sixteen


“But what the holy heck did I do to get sent to Hell, Duke? I lived a mostly good life. I went to church. I tolerated my mother. Sure I was tangentially connected to a dozen or so “accidental” deaths, but no charges were ever made.”

“Everyone’s innocent down here, pardner.”

“But I don’t want to go to Hell! There must be something I can do to stay away from here if that ambulance makes it to the hospital in time.”

“There is, Drake. You’d have to give up being a stuntman.”


“And sleeping with teenage girls.”

“Fuck you!”

The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Fifteen


“If I die, Duke, does that mean I have to spend the rest of eternity in this beautiful fiery Heaven?”

“This is Hell, Drake.”

“Yeah, right. Good one, Duke.”

“Do you see that guy with that moustache over there?”

“You mean, the one who looks like Hitler?”

“That’s Hitler, Drake.”

“Why would Hitler get to go to Heaven? That‘s messed up.”

“This is Hell, Drake.”

“You’re hilarious, Duke. Don’t ever change.”

“Do you see that woman talking to Hitler?”

“The one who looks like Joan Crawford?”

“That is Joan Crawford, Drake.”

“Oh my god! This is Hell! What the fuck?!?!?”

The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Fourteen

"Race Against Time"

“What’s going on, Duke. Am I dead?”

“That depends, Drake.”

“On what?”

“How fast the ambulance you’re in gets to the damn hospital. Every second counts.”

“Wait, so my life is in the hands of some random ambulance hack?”

“That’s just it, Drake. The people in charge of these things are real cocksuckers when it comes to irony.”

“Don’t tell me. I slept with the driver’s daughter.”


“What then?”

“Do you remember working on Moonshine County Express?”

“Wait! You don’t mean—“


“I really should have said something when I noticed she had an Adam’s apple.”


The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Thirteen


“Howdy, Slick.”

“Who are you? Where am I?”

“Don’t you recognize me, Drake? You doubled for me on McQ in seventy-four.”

“Duke? Is that you? But you died 2 years ago. I know ‘cause I got thrown out of your memorial service for hitting on Tatum O’Neal. I mean, how was I supposed to know she was only 15?”

“It’s me, Drake.”

“Then does that mean what I think it means?”

“That depends on what you think it means.”

“Am I in Heaven?”

“Turn around and you tell me, pardner. What do you see?”

“Fire. Lots and lots of fire.”

The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Twelve

"Going Apeshit"

“Hey Jerry, have you seen Drake?”

“Hi Eddie. He’s up there with Bill and Bill on the scaffold waiting for the go ahead.”

“You put him with Bill? Is that a good idea?”

“Probably not.”

“You don’t look too concerned.”

“You may not know this, but I have a daughter too.”

“Gotcha. But, still, couldn’t you have waited? This production already has one death on the books.”

“And whose fault is that?”

“Guilty, but it’s not going to make promoting this flick any easier.”

“People love those monkeys. They don’t care about dead stuntmen.”

“From your lips to God’s ears.”

The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Eleven

"Not What You Thought It Was"


“Yes, Drake?”

“I feel like you’re angry with me.”

“You could say that, Drake.”

“I didn’t know she was your daughter. I thought she was Bill’s daughter, and I knew he wouldn’t have a problem with it. Would you have, Bill?”

“I’m sorry, Drake, I wasn’t paying attention. What were you two talking about?”

“The time I took Bill’s daughter to that church service.”

“Are you still pissed about that, Bill?”

“She joined that cult!”

“The Catholic church is many things, Bill, but it isn’t a cult.”

“Shut up, Bill! This is between me and Drake! Goddamn pope-lover.”

The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Ten

“Bill Problems”

“So what’s the gag this morning, Jerry?”

“You, Bill and Bill are going to drop off that dangling scaffold.”

“Which Bills? Couch and Madden?”

“No, Madden and McIntosh.”

“And what are we doing this afternoon?”

“The shot where you guys land in the pool, but Bill has a prior commitment, so Bill will be filling in for him.”

 “Gotcha. I think Bill has it in for me.”

“Can you blame him?”

“I didn’t know she was his daughter.”

“Yes you did. I specifically told you, ‘That’s Bill’s daughter.’”

 “I thought you meant the other Bill.”

“Oh, that would explain it.”

The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Nine

"Arrested Development"

“Hello Drake.”

“Jessica! Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes. I haven’t seen you since that TV movie in ’74.”

“It has been a long time.”

“Are you just here for a day part?”

“No, I’m playing Stacey’s mom.”

“Bullshit! You’re too young to play her mom! What are you, forty-five?”


“And you could easily pass for thirty-nine!”

“Thanks….I think. So, were you here when the accident happened?”


“What went wrong?”

“Oh, you know, same-old, same-old.”

“Eddie sabotaged it because you fucked one of his girlfriends?”


“Just like Mannix and Ironsides all over again.”


The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Eight

"Inspring Woody"

“Who’s that, Vic?”

“Are you kidding me, Drake? That’s Stacey. She’s playing the girlfriend. You were hitting on her when Stevie’s stunt went wrong.”

“I must have blocked it out. She has a killer rack.”

“You’re not her type.”

“Bullshit, I’m every woman’s type.”

“Ever see Manhatten?”

“Can you ever truly see Manhatten?”

“I’m talking about the Woody Allen movie.”


“The Mariel Hemingway part? The 17 year-old his character was sleeping with? That was based on her.”

“You’re kidding!”


“Did he ever cast her in anything?”


“And now she’s starring in an orangutan movie?”

The orangutan movie.”

The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Seven

"Back On the Set"

“This is ridiculous, Drake. I can’t believe they only gave us half a day off to bury Stevie.”

“The artistic process is bigger than any one man, Vic. That’s just the way it is.”

“We’re making a movie about an asshole who inherits three orangutans.”

“No, we’re making the movie about an asshole who inherits three orangutans.”

“I thought you’d be the one really pissed off about this. You and Stevie seemed so close.”

“Objects in the mirror are closer than they might appear.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t know. I smoked something Eddie gave me at the wake.”

The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Six

"The Era is Established1"

“I don’t think you have anything to be worried about, Drake. This isn’t the first time a woman’s threatened you. Remember that Playmate of the Year who was after you?”

“Claudia. How could I forget?”

“Nothing ever came of that, right?”

“She died in a car crash.”

“Oh, yeah, right. You…uh…didn’t have anything to do with that, did you?”

“No. I figured you did it.”

“Huh. I don’t think so, but then I was doing a lot of drugs back then.”

“It happened six months ago.”

“Wait? Did you say ‘Claudia’?”


“Oh, yeah, that was totally me.”

1. Google the clues and you'll be able to figure out--down to the month--when this story is taking place.

The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Five

"The Wake Continues"

“Hi, Drake.”


“We good?”

“All water under the bridge as far as I’m concerned. You still going to marry that girl?”


“That’s good. She was just in it for the money.”

“I know. Speaking of girls, who was that hot little number I just saw you talking to?”

“That was no hot little number, that was Stevie’s mom.”

“Get the fuck out of town!”

“Swear to God.”

“But she would have had to have been—“

“—Thanks, I already did the math.”

“What’d she want?”

“My balls on a platter.”

“But not in the good way?”


The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Four

"At the Wake"

“Mr. Wantsum?”

“A pretty girl like you can call me Drake, sweetie. Wait. Have we met before? You look familiar.”

“I’m Mrs. Schmendrick, Stevie’s mother.”

“No way! What happened? Did you have him when you were twelve?”


“Oh. That must’ve been tough.”

“It was.”

“Okay, you’re beginning to creep me out. Was there something you wanted?”



“Revenge, Mr. Wantsum. It should have been you who died that afternoon.”

“Now wait—“

“Don’t worry. I’m not going to do anything now. That would be too easy. You’re going to suffer. More than anyone ever has before.”

“Seriously, twelve?”

The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Three

“The Eulogy”


“Well, what can I say about Stevie Schmendrick? He had a funny last name that’s for sure. I always used to think he made it up as some stupid joke, but then one night I was real drunk and I needed his wallet to pay my bar tab and I took out his I.D. and I’ll be fucked if that wasn’t his actual name. He must’ve been a Jew. We didn’t talk about religion much. ‘Cept when we was in the ambulance, of course. Then he wouldn’t shut up about it. Luckily he didn’t talk about it for too long....”

The Adventures of Drake Wantsum, Hollywood Stuntman

Part Two

“The Newbie”


“Okay kid, here’s your chance to prove yourself to the producer. You do that and you’ve got it made in the stunt business.”

“I dunno, Drake. It doesn’t seem safe.”

“That’s very perceptive of you, Stevie. This stunt isn’t safe at all. In fact I’m pretty sure it was designed to kill whoever does it.”


“Turns out our producer is a big crybaby who thinks big fancy breasts are more important than the bonds of true friendship. I’m pretty sure he wants to murder me.”

“But I’m the one doing the stunt!”

“Yeah, it’s all sorts of fucked up.”