Vanity Fear

A Pretentious A**hole's Guide to B-Movie Bullsh*t

This past Friday afternoon I decided to venture out into the world and found myself in a comic book shop on the other side of the city.  Having already picked up my assortment of the week's new releases and stymied in my attempt to find an old-school Batgirl action figure (I know there are plenty out there, just not anywhere I've looked) I decided to thumb my way through its collection of Silver/Bronze age comics on the odd chance I might find something worth buying.  Having gone through that store's boxes not too long ago in the past, I wasn't holding my breath, but then I chanced upon an only slightly-tattered copy of Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #21.  This was a comic I had coveted ever since I first saw its cover illustrated in a post at Scipio Garling's Absorbascon and here it was for the completely sensible price of $10.
But, as happy as I am to have made this find, it turns out that #21 isn't the most memorable Lois Lane comic I picked up that day. 
No, that honour has to go to issue #84
Truly, no comic has ever taught me so much....
Lesson #1
Big Time Big City Reporters always look this fabulous
when they wake up in the morning.
Lesson #2
There's a fine line between expressing excitement
and exhibiting signs of psychosis.
Lesson #3
Somewhere in the DCU there's a college
that requires all of its female students
to include a modeling portfolio with their application.
The Ivy Leagues should take note of this.
Lesson #4
Big Time Big City Reporters aren't very sentimental
about the mementos of their past.
Lesson #5
There's a reason why in some quarters
Big Time Big City Reporter
is a synonym for B-I-T-C-H.
Lesson #6
Ditto H-O-M-E-W-R-E-C-K-E-R.
Lesson #7
Big Time Big City reporters can usually take a hint.
Lesson #8
Like most natural brunettes,
Lois loses something by going blond.
Lesson #9
One thing Big Time Big City Reporter
isn't a synonym for is G-E-N-I-U-S.
Lesson #10
It's always sad when your best friend from college
turns out to be a total backstabbing skank.
Lesson #11
The only thing worse than finding yourself the victim
of a strange conspiracy is being at the mercy of
unreasonably literal rural lawmen.
Lesson #12
Even one day in jail is enough
to turn anyone into Burt Lancaster.
Lesson #13
There's nothing hotter than jail house love....
Lesson #14
Except, of course, for a jail house catfight!
 Lesson #15
Even if you've only just escaped from a small town prison,
you still have no excuse not to look your absolute best.
 Lesson #16
Once you've escaped from prison
you might as well just keep on committing felonies.
Lesson #17
If you mess around with "Superman's Girlfriend"
you gotta know that at some point
the dude in blue is gonna get involved.
Lesson #18
Apparently the easiest way to dispose of thousands of cattle
is to throw them into a pit and shoot at them individually.
Lesson #19
Speaking of synonyms, it looks like Big Time Rancher
also means L-Y-I-N-G D-O-U-C-H-E-B-A-G-S.
Lesson #20
If Lois Lane is able to forgive and help
the assholes who made her life miserable,
what's stopping you?